When y'all saw the title of this post my guess is you lot had one of two reactions:

  1. Ah, finally WYG is writing well-nigh cybergrief.  What took them and so long?!?
    OR
  2. Uhhh, cybergrief . . .???

We have mentioned cybergrief and loss before (yous may recollect information technology from this mail on disenfranchised grief) and it has been on my list to write virtually for at least two years, but information technology keeps falling to the back burner.  Luckily I accept been binge-listening to the Reply All podcast for the last week (I know, I am totally behind the eight ball on that but my podcast schedule has been tight and it just at present fabricated it to the top of my list). All the talk of online gaming communities and online forum friendships (and engagements) and weird twitter has fabricated me feel incredibly guilty as a grief blog that nosotros didn't tackle this topic sooner.  If you are feeling every bit confused as Alex Blumberg during a game of Yep Yes No, fear not.  Clarity is on the way in the class of a list of important truths.

8 Things You Should Know To Understand Cybergrief

  1. Online friendships are friendships.  But before we can talk about cybergrief, we do need to establish that cyber relationships are existent, meaningful relationships.  Yes they are a newer miracle in the history of humanity, aye there are things about them that are different that existent life relationships, but that does not mean they are not valid, significant relationships. Whether you know it or not, whether you do it or non, people meet other people and build existent meaningful relationships online all the time.  I am not talking about friction match.com and okcupid style relationships, where you run across online with a clear intention to meet in existent life.  I am talking nigh online relationships you form that remain online.  Only like in existent life, these online relationships happen all over the place, with varying levels of intimacy.   I don't even know where to brainstorm in listing examples because there are so many, but forums come to mind first.  Forums exist around near every topic and interest you tin imagine and people caput there looking to connect with people with common interests and discover support from others struggling with like challenges.  No surprise, many friendships and fifty-fifty romantic relationships are born in forums.   These relationships likewise course in forum-like social media communities (like reddit and closed facebook groups), online gaming communities, online support groups, online learning communities, and on and on and on.
  2. Cybergrief is the natural reaction to a cyberloss.  Merely similar grief is our natural reaction to loss, cybergrief is the natural reaction to cyberloss.  The grief of any loss is unique to the person grieving and their relationship to the person who died.  In some cases, the relationship you had was an entirely online relationship. That may impact the form and shape of the grief just it certainly does not change that it is, in fact, grief.  There was a bully opinion piece in The Guardianorthward a few years ago written by Edward Collier who was grieving an online friend he knew from a cricket forum.  In the piece, he struggles with the question of whether "a virtual friendship is the equal of a 'real' 1" and what protocol is around attending the funeral.  His questions aside, what seems articulate reading the commodity is that Collier was certainly grieving the loss – his friend, George, impacted his life in a real way and that loss was pregnant.  The Guardian tackled this topic once more in an article past Nicky Wolfe on the death of a social media friend, echoing some of the aforementioned ideas and adding a discussion on the impact of grief in a world where nosotros connect with so many people online and stay in touch with, or at least enlightened of, people for so much longer considering of social media.
  3. Social club tin can make cybergrievers feel like crap.Way to kick someone while they're downwardly, society. Sadly, because online friendships are new-ish and non universally understood, some people may human action similar those relationships didn't count, that cybergrief isn't grief, or that someone doesn't accept the right to grieve a cyberloss.  If you have felt this way well-nigh a cyberloss (or about any loss) you may want to check out our post on disenfranchised grief.    A quick instance regarding cybergrief: in the article I mentioned in a higher place, Edward Collier lays out his emotional struggle virtually attention the funeral.  Though there was a tremendous amount of support in the comments, in that location were also comments like: "I think information technology would be nice if you went equally a hologram…floating behind the alter" and "No, no, no, no, absolutely not!!!!From what yous've said, this isn't even someone you lot've had personal correspondence with, similar a pen pal, only a contributor to a forum you've bounced remarks off. Why on earth would you want to join his close family at a private funeral where people will be mourning their grief for a lost loved 1?".  Needless to say, mocking and minimizing online relationships is still live and well.
  4. Societal norms effectually grieving an online friend are still pretty fuzzy.  This undoubtedly contributes to some of the less-than-supportive comments that tin be fabricated toward cyber-grievers, but it also tin can contribute to i's own confusion as a cyber-griever.  Questions can come up like, practice I have the right to grieve this loss, should I nourish this funeral, should I reach out to the family unit either online or with a sympathy card.   The existence of cyber-relationships is relatively new, so at that place are no clear societal 'rules'.  As Edward Collier points out, there are norms to tell him what he should wear to the funeral if he attends, but no norms to tell him if he should attend.  When there are no norms and expectations to fall back on, it is piece of cake to question your feelings, decisions and behaviors.
    grieving-an-online-friend
  5. Virtual funerals be and can be dandy options for both friends from online, every bit well as real life friends who can't (or don't want) to attend a real life service.  Sometimes you take the luxury to consider attending the funeral IRL, but in many instances, the online relationship is with someone beyond the state or beyond the world.  More than and more often families are streaming funerals so friends (of all sorts) can nourish.  As well, many online communities likewise host their ain funerals and memorials when a member dies.  Information technology can be equally unproblematic as an online memorial or tribute space to get out comments, or an actual funeral event within a video game where players can virtually attend.
  6. You accept every correct to grieve the loss of a cyber friend. We wish this truth was obvious but, based on the questions and comments we've seen around the interwebs, that doesn't seem to be the example.  So nosotros'll be the ones to say it: your human relationship was of import, your grief is important, and yous should give yourself the time and infinite you need to grieve.  If you are coping with this y'all don't need to broadcast it if yous don't feel comfortable, but do continue in heed the more we all talk about this the more information technology will become normalized, understood, and ameliorate supported.
  7. There are some unique challenges when grieving a virtual friend. I can't listing them all here, only there are a few common examples:
    • Yous often don't learn nearly the death right abroad, considering the person's real-life community didn't know/think to notify you.
    • Yous may or may not have a relationship with their other online friends, or their real life friends.  If you lot don't, there can exist a feeling of isolation that no 1 else you know is grieving the person.
    • You may feel self-conscious talking most it.  Though you are distracted at home or work, the fact that information technology was an online friendship may get in hard to tell a dominate, friend, or family member that y'all are grieving an online friend.
    • If you lot had intentions of someday meeting in real life, but just had non gotten to all the same, you may at present feel a sense of loss of that hope for the future.
  8. There is support out there.  I wish I could say there is a lot of specific cybergrief support out there.  Sadly, there isn't.  But at that place is some!  When we first started WYG one of our offset cyber grief-friends was Casey, founder of the site Navigating Cyberloss.   Though the site is no longer being updated, four years of her posts about her own experience grieving an online friend and ideas for coping remain.  Too, sites similar this i and other online grief support spaces have a lot of data and back up that can be helpful for anyone grieving, no matter the loss.  Though the majority of people in communities like this one are grieving offline losses, they take ofttimes experienced the valuable of online relationships and support.

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